Because Some People are Better Off Dead
And I'm the man to unalive them
The Profession with the Body Part here! Do you need someone unalived? Well I'm just the guy to do it! For a price of course, you're mom's not cheap after all.

Always accepting drabble prompts.

A proud member of the Assvengers

Icon by Diableret (Diableret.tumblr.com)
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    13 hours ago reblog
  • timelady-of-221b:

    I FUCKING HATE SOCIAL ANXIETY BECAUSE YOU’RE SCARED TO TALK TO PEOPLE BUT ALSO DYING TO TALK TO PEOPLE AND HANG OUT AND RELAX AND HAVE FUN AND NOT BE ALONE AND LONELY AND FEEL LIKE SHIT BUT YOU DO FEEL LIKE SHIT BECAUSE YOU CAN’T EVEN RELAX ENOUGH TO TALK TO PEOPLE WITHOUT OVERTHINKING EVERYTHING

    11753
    14 hours ago reblog
  • rock-hard-fist-nipples:

    gryffinewt:

    important otp headcanons to consider

    • who wakes up one morning to find the other passed away in their sleep
    • alright goodnight guys i’ll see you in hell

    image

    "It’s time for breakfast! C’mon, I’m making pancakes!"

    "Hey, get up sleepy head."

    "Wake up!"

    "Please?"

    28184
    21 hours ago reblog
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    21 hours ago reblog
  • jack-has-returned-rp:

    Put “Pretty Please” in my ask box and I’ll generate a number from 1-40 and see what prompt we get! Mixture of angst, silly, romantic, and NSFW prompts.

    Brownie points to those who don’t read below the cut!

    Read More

    12047
    21 hours ago reblog
  • notawitch dear-spidey

    I have you’re murder meme asks, I’m just lazy. But I will get them next time I’m on.

    Also, other people should send me some. 

    Just send “Murderer!”

    Do  the thing.

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    21 hours ago reblog
  • betteroffdeadpool Mouthed at the Merc:

    Well this was a sight to see. Wade wasn't expecting to see the good doctor wearing nothing besides the ropes on her wrists and blindfold today, especially not at his place. Really he did not see it coming. There was only one thing a man in his position could do. Two if you count staring just a tiny bit."Hey." poke "Hey Doc. Hey." poke "Doctor Ari." poke "Hey." poke "You're naked" poke "Hey! Hey Doc, you're naked!" poke

    doctorkiebeth:

    betteroffdeadpool:

    doctorkiebeth:

    Aristel’s head cocked slightly as most of the jokes garnered no reaction from her. No, she was distracted by one of his reactions. Panic. She’d know that one anywhere, in any mind, no matter how mixed up and deluded. Why panic? What she’d seen hadn’t been pretty, but it didn’t seem to be that simple of a matter. 

    doctorkiebeth:

    If I was tied up, gagged, and blindfolded on your bed when you walked in, what would you do to me?[I take this is a variation without the gag]

    There were a few awakenings that Aristel had experienced in her lifetime that could be truly counted as rude, in the sense that she suddenly came to an aware state either in a less-than-graceful way, or to awake to something that didn’t fit with her current perception of reality. This fell into the latter half of that category. Blind, bound, and— “Hey, hey—” Her body did what it could to squirm, legs kicking out in the direction she assumed the pokes were coming from. “That’s ticklish—!” 

    Shit. Congratulations, Mr. Mask, you’ve officially captured my curiosity… now I can’t leave you alone.

    "I don’t know who Ryan Reynolds is." She responded simply, allowing the subject to pass for now. She was still sure Wade was insane, but as always her curiosity was going to lead her to sniffing further down the rabbit hole than she intended. “I’ve always been a Sean Connery fan myself— though mostly for the accent.” With that, she actually managed a slight chuckle, trying to add some levity back— she didn’t like the flavor of panic, even the lingering after-taste as he stumbled over his words. 

    With the mask on once again, his panic died down quickly. He had his face on, she didn’t seem concerned, all was right with the world. He’d probably forget the thing about looking good in an hour within about three minutes.

    "Sean’s alright but he hasn’t been in a movie since League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. I miss his sexy accent on the big screen." It made him smile when she laughed. Even if it was her own comment that got a giggle, he wanted her to not hate it here.

    "Eh, don’t really watch things on the big screen that much either." She shrugged slightly. "My favorite role played by him is one very few people know. It’s a British spy movie that feels like it’s making fun of British spy movies call The Avengers— came out in the nineties. It’s not often you get to see that man in a teddy bear suit— equipped with poison darts no less. He played the villain- Sir August de Winter.” Again, she chuckled. The movie was outright ridiculous, but in a way that she found rather entertaining. Such as the two leads of the spy agency were code named Mother and Father, Mother being a wheelchair-bound man and Father being a blind woman. 

    "I heard of that! I can never find it though, there’s some recent movie that came out with the same name and screws with google." Wade couldn’t help but blame Tony Stark for this.

    "The best is Indiana Jones’s dad. There aren’t many people ruggedly awesome enough to spurt the coolest archaeologist in the world, coolest out of only two archaeologists cool enough to even be considered, but Sean Connery is the man to do it." 

    Wade rarely found women tied up in his bedroom, he always needed to supply his own, but he truly hoped that talking about Sean Connery is what usually happens in that situation.

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    1 day ago reblog
  • agentmorse Mouthed at the Merc:

    agentmorse:

    betteroffdeadpool:

    betteroffdeadpool:

    1:  My muse lying on the floor bleeding

    Wade woke up a second later. Usually a shotgun shell going through the skull helped put him to sleep if he let it. It didn’t work this time. 

    Wade sighed and closed his eyes while his hand came across a knife. One of about a thousand knives and swords and guns he has just laying around. Instead of just letting it go and trying some sleeping pills, he picked the blade up.

    The first stab was bored. He barely felt it slip into his gut. The second one came with a little more force. The third and forth stab picked up speed and by the fifth he had both hands on the knife handle using all his force to drive the blade into himself.

    He’d lost count by the time he looked up and saw Bobbi in the doorway. “Heeeeeeeyyyyyy….. I wasn’t expecting you…… so what’s up?”

    Wade gave her another kiss on the top of her head when she stopped touching him, a goodnight kiss for a sleepy lady that he forces to put up with way too much of his shit.

    "See you in the morning." Wade closed his eyes and leaned his head back. He started breathing in sync with Bobbi, at first as a game until he could fall asleep but he immediately found it comforting and relaxing.

    Bobbi always slept well in Wade’s arms and tonight was no different. She was fast asleep in minutes and didn’t stir until morning. When the blonde felt herself waking up, she smiled to herself at the fact that Wade was still there. And he wasn’t covered in blood.

    Wade didn’t have as good luck as Bobbi did in sleeping peacefully. He was no stranger to nightmare’s by any means. At best he’d wake up in cold sweat and at worse he’d wake up kicking and screaming and biting anyone that was near by for whatever reason. Bobbi always helped though, and they were never too bad when she was close. The two sleeping together is an example of that and the mercenary slept like a baby, still completely sound asleep when Bobbi woke up.

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  • agentmorse Mouthed at the Merc:

    "Do you know how much you mean to me?"

    agentmorse:

    betteroffdeadpool:

    betteroffdeadpool:

    "Uhh… Well my base price is 10,000 so around there, depending on the job?"

    image

    Wade kissed her hand where it covered her nose and smirked. “Well it just sort of happens cutely.” He replied. Wade kissed her cheek this time. “I don’t mind if you don’t.”

    "It’s not something I can help so we’re both going to have to be okay with it." Bobbi smiled a little and dropped her hand . She always forgot that she had that little habit until it was brought up by someone else.

    Wade smiled and kissed her nose again to prove how okay with it he is. He really didn’t want her to feel self conscious about something like this. “Don’t worry Bobbi. You’re still perfect to me.”

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  • betteroffdeadpool Mouthed at the Merc:

    diableret:

    betteroffdeadpool:

    diableret:

    betteroffdeadpool:

    diableret:

    "Uhhh Wade… have you got the wrong house again or is it the old chilli sauce on the sheets story?… either way you do know there is a guest room right?" she yawned.

    "It’s guac, and your guest room is scary. It’s safer in here with you." Wade cuddled closer and ducked under the sheets for protection.

    "Its what?…" she asked before he ducked under the covers. "Really Wade? You fight real big scary things and your scared of my gue… wait are you just using that as an excuse to see what nightwear Im wearing?"  she asked with a raised eyebrow.

    "Guacamole.

    And no, I am not using this as an excuse to ogle you.” Wade defended. “If I wanted to see what you wear to bed I’d use my charm and sophistication. And maybe begging.”

    "Why do you insist in eating Mexican food in bed? All I’m saying is if those refried beans become a biological weapon over night you are in for a world of pain…"

    "Hey, I eat lots of food in bed! Not just Mexican. And I don’t know about you, but that sounded a lot like a ‘yes, you can stay Deadpool. Keep me warm.’ to me."

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    1 day ago reblog
  • adxptable:

    somebody tell me
    the story of the winter
    soldier

    for science

    SPOILERS

    Read More

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    1 day ago reblog
  • betteroffdeadpool Mouthed at the Merc:

    "I know it's not my baby."

    adxptable:

    "It can’t be your baby Wade…" Her eyes squinted slightly, her head tilting. Her arms tightened around the girl in her arms. "She’s a cat."

    "Yes Selina." Wade continued. "I’ve known for some time now. I just… It’d already be difficult to help you raise a child but…" Wade looked into the eyes of the beautiful kitten. "I want to help you. I-I just don’t know how."

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  • betteroffdeadpool Mouthed at the Merc:

    [Bubbles] Wade opened the door wearing just his mask and his undies, figuring Bobbi wouldn't mind if he showered at her place. He didn't even consider that she'd be in there, but was glad he had his nice heart boxers on when he stepped in. "Bobbi!" Wade covered his eyes, but after about two seconds remembered that she probably wouldn't mind him looking, or at least that he'd risk it. "Is that... Is that a bubble beard? I never would have thought it your style, but you pull it off well."

    agentmorse:

    betteroffdeadpool:

    agentmorse:

    betteroffdeadpool

    Your muse finds mine in a bathtub, playing with bubbles. How does yours react?

    The blonde had been enjoying her bath since it was the first time in a long time that she got the chance to take a bath rather than a quick shower. Wade walking in was unexpected. “It might be,” she mumbled. “What are you doing here anyway? I thought you were away?” Not that she wasn’t happy to see him.

    "Oh, yeah." Wade turned to the door for half a second as if unsure if he could stay, but then took a seat on the toilet to talk to her. "The guys that hired me really over estimated that drug lord’s defenses. I still got payed the same though.” Wade grinned and reached in the tub for bit of bubbly foam to put on Bobbi’s head. To match her beard of course. 

    "I didn’t really count my timezone’s right and figured I’d have about two hours or so before you were home. Didn’t think you’d mind if I showered here and surprised you." Wade lost himself in her eyes a little bit while they were talking but as soon as he was done he remembered that he and she were almost naked and naked, respectively. 

    "Uhh, I’ll wait in the other room if you want." Wade self consciously mumbled. "I don’t want to mess up you’re alone time. You’ve got a nice chance to relax and I’m pretty sure that me smelling like sweat and blood and poppy seeds isn’t helping."

    The blonde was gathering bubbles into her hands as he spoke, smiling as he swiped the foam across her forehead. A nice uni-brow. Perfect. She knew how confusing timezones were when coming back from a job. 

    "Of course I don’t mind you surprising me," she said with a smile. Even with his mask on, Bobbi loved the way he looked at her. But she couldn’t help blowing the bubbles she had gathered out of her hands at Wade with a wide smile.

    "You can still take your shower. I have more than one bathroom Wade and I would like you to smell less…just less when I give you a proper greeting," she laughed.

    Wade smiled at the bubble blowing and got a little embarrassed about his smell. “‘Proper greeting’? Don’t tell me you got me a giant stuffed panda bear! Aww, you shouldn’t have.” Wade lifted his mask up and gave her a kiss, bubble beard be damned. “When I’m less smelly I’ll order us pizza or Chinese or something.”

    Wade left and made his way to the other bathroom, losing his boxers somewhere along the way. He didn’t lock the door and just walked straight into the shower. Wade started lathering up with shampoo before he realized he still had his mask on, but it needed it anyway so he just pulled it off and washed it out until clean and tossed it in the sink. He’d do the rest of his laundry, which he left in the corner of her bedroom, some other time.

    3
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  • betteroffdeadpool Mouthed at the Merc:

    "Well guess what? I faked every orgasm."

    adxptable:

    "Well so did I.
    What now?”

    "We fix that problem by giving each other real orgasms right now."

    "Yeah, well.. I don’t really care! You do! You’re blowjobs are awful and make my penis smell like cat breath!”

    1
    1 day ago reblog
  • betteroffdeadpool Mouthed at the Merc:

    Well this was a sight to see. Wade wasn't expecting to see the good doctor wearing nothing besides the ropes on her wrists and blindfold today, especially not at his place. Really he did not see it coming. There was only one thing a man in his position could do. Two if you count staring just a tiny bit."Hey." poke "Hey Doc. Hey." poke "Doctor Ari." poke "Hey." poke "You're naked" poke "Hey! Hey Doc, you're naked!" poke

    doctorkiebeth:

    betteroffdeadpool:

    doctorkiebeth:

    If I was tied up, gagged, and blindfolded on your bed when you walked in, what would you do to me?[I take this is a variation without the gag]

    There were a few awakenings that Aristel had experienced in her lifetime that could be truly counted as rude, in the sense that she suddenly came to an aware state either in a less-than-graceful way, or to awake to something that didn’t fit with her current perception of reality. This fell into the latter half of that category. Blind, bound, and— “Hey, hey—” Her body did what it could to squirm, legs kicking out in the direction she assumed the pokes were coming from. “That’s ticklish—!” 

    Again, despite having expected something rather like this spectacle, she still found her stomach churning at the sight of brain, bone, and flesh knitting itself back together to replace what was spattered on the walls. There had been a few with healing factors within Kennicks— the place she spent the first sixteen years of her life, and yet she’d never witnessed an actual resurrection after destruction of brain tissue. It was amazing, but she couldn’t help it if she felt just a tiny bit green after seeing it for the first time. 

    And while he’d been laying there, his brain re-booting and coming back into her awareness with its ever-shifting dialect, she was sure she’d sensed something rather near to a split second of being sad— disappointed. Of course, the other half of that split-second was when he popped back onto his feet like a satanic Jack-in-a-box. Already edgy, she jumped again, clutching the robe he’d borrowed her and making a face at him. 

    "Maybe." She responded, the look on her face still sour. "For about ten seconds." The twist of her lips flattened as curiosity took— parts of his… well, she wasn’t sure she could call it a face- but there were breaks in the mask that exposed a slight view of what was beneath. Then again, after seeing his gray matter rebuild itself, she no longer had the capacity to be grossed out, only intrigued. “Masks don’t exactly regenerate, though.” She pointed out, tactfully. 

    "Ten seconds of no tickles?" Wade joked. He’d get over the fact that she didn’t even check on him, but it was unlikely he’d ever get over the tickling. "It must have been tragic. I’m sure you could find somebody to tie you down though. The internet is full of stuff like that."

    In all the excitement Wade hadn’t for one second even considered his ‘face’ but as soon as she mentioned it his blood ran cold. 'Relax, most of it's still on. Just grab a new face from the dresser and she'll forget all about it.' 

    "Don’t stare!" Wade shouted as if he was offended, but it clearly came off as a silly kind of anger. The kind of thing one might expect when a best friend steals a french fry. "I just blew a hole threw myself, I’m not gonna look like Ryan Reynolds right away. The superfluous takes a little longer, non priority and what not."

    Wade spoke fast and barely looked at her, rushing to find another mask. He was panicked but stayed calm and found a mask in three seconds. As soon as it was in his hands he slid it right over his tattered mask and calmed down almost instantly.

    "There! Fixed my face, fixed the problem. Give me, uh, give me an hour or two and I’ll be prettier than a princess again."

    Aristel’s head cocked slightly as most of the jokes garnered no reaction from her. No, she was distracted by one of his reactions. Panic. She’d know that one anywhere, in any mind, no matter how mixed up and deluded. Why panic? What she’d seen hadn’t been pretty, but it didn’t seem to be that simple of a matter. 

    Shit. Congratulations, Mr. Mask, you’ve officially captured my curiosity… now I can’t leave you alone.

    "I don’t know who Ryan Reynolds is." She responded simply, allowing the subject to pass for now. She was still sure Wade was insane, but as always her curiosity was going to lead her to sniffing further down the rabbit hole than she intended. “I’ve always been a Sean Connery fan myself— though mostly for the accent.” With that, she actually managed a slight chuckle, trying to add some levity back— she didn’t like the flavor of panic, even the lingering after-taste as he stumbled over his words. 

    With the mask on once again, his panic died down quickly. He had his face on, she didn’t seem concerned, all was right with the world. He’d probably forget the thing about looking good in an hour within about three minutes.

    "Sean’s alright but he hasn’t been in a movie since League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. I miss his sexy accent on the big screen." It made him smile when she laughed. Even if it was her own comment that got a giggle, he wanted her to not hate it here.

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