Because Some People are Better Off Dead
And I'm the man to unalive them
The Profession with the Body Part here! Do you need someone unalived? Well I'm just the guy to do it! For a price of course, you're mom's not cheap after all.

Always accepting drabble prompts.

A proud member of the Assvengers

Icon by Diableret (Diableret.tumblr.com)
  • agentmorse Mouthed at the Merc:

    agentmorse:

    betteroffdeadpool:

    betteroffdeadpool:

    1:  My muse lying on the floor bleeding

    Wade woke up a second later. Usually a shotgun shell going through the skull helped put him to sleep if he let it. It didn’t work this time. 

    Wade sighed and closed his eyes while his hand came across a knife. One of about a thousand knives and swords and guns he has just laying around. Instead of just letting it go and trying some sleeping pills, he picked the blade up.

    The first stab was bored. He barely felt it slip into his gut. The second one came with a little more force. The third and forth stab picked up speed and by the fifth he had both hands on the knife handle using all his force to drive the blade into himself.

    He’d lost count by the time he looked up and saw Bobbi in the doorway. “Heeeeeeeyyyyyy….. I wasn’t expecting you…… so what’s up?”

    "What? No, no. I’ll, uh, I’ll take care of that later." Wade put his hand on her arm hoping to lead her out of the bedroom, literally the exact opposite of how he normally was. 

    "I, uhh… Would you by any chance believe me if I told you I had a tummy ache?" Wade teased, a bit at a loss for words. What do most people say when they have a girlfriend walk in on gutting themselves like a fish? Is it the same thing that they say when they’re caught masturbating? No, it’d probably send the wrong message to ask her to join him.

    Bobbi let herself be walked out of the bedroom, still very very concerned about what she had seen.

    "You know I wouldn’t, Wade. I’m not an idiot." Plus there was no food strewn around the place. She had never seen him like this and for some reason the fact that Wade was doing it to himself was worse than if it was some stranger. "Please just tell me what’s going on…" the blonde murmured.

    Wade slammed the door behind them hoping it’d be an ‘out of sight out of mind’ scenario. “Uhh… practice.” he answered her. “See, you stab a guy in the wrong spot and you’re gonna have a mess on your hands or you won’t kill him or it will but way too painfully. I mean, a merc’s gotta have common courtesy, ya know? I just have the benefit of being able to practice on myself.” 

    Wade’s lips could barely keep up with his mind but he talked fast and moved fast. If he was lucky he’d be able to distract her from this forever. Wade wasn’t known for his luck.

    6
    32 minutes ago reblog
  • betteroffdeadpool Mouthed at the Merc:

    △How much do you want me... sexually? △What is the kinkiest thing you'd want to do to me? △How sexy do you think scars are? △If you you were tied up and blindfolded by me, what would you want the first thing I do to you to be? And don't say to untie you. △Most importantly, can I have a cookie?

    doctorkiebeth:

    Send me a △ and ask a really invasive question aimed at my character

    1. Rate on a scale of 1-10 how much they don’t want to answer that question.
    2. Answer that question.

    △How much do you want me… sexually?

    1. "… seven."

    2. "Let’s get one thing straight here— I am an unabashed pleasure addict. If someone can get me off, I generally don’t care who they are, or what they look like. So long as you’re not carrying any crotch rot diseases? … it could be interesting. Using the same scale of one to ten… I’d say about a six.” 

    △What is the kinkiest thing you’d want to do to me?

    1. "Four…. no, no, make that a nine." 

    2. "… I don’t want to say anything, damnit. It’s not kinky I just want to tie you down and stab you for every stupid comment you’ve made in my general direction.”

    △How sexy do you think scars are?

    1. "One." 

    2. "Scars are marks of survival. They show the things we’ve overcome. I find them… rather pleasing." 

    △If you you were tied up and blindfolded by me, what would you want the first thing I do to you to be? And don’t say to untie you.

    1. "… I’ll give this one a six." 

    2. "Assuming we’re already in a sensual situation— I’d want you to use your hands. I won’t refuse an exciting evening if it’s already in progress, and I have a thing for bondage and blindfolds, along with slow teasing.” 

    △Most importantly, can I have a cookie?

    1. "One."

    2. "… I suppose? Lasse bakes them for me, and I never finish them before they go stale. Help yourself, I guess." 
    4
    1 hour ago reblog
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    1 hour ago reblog
  • betteroffdeadpool Mouthed at the Merc:

    *Opens a bag of popcorn.* "Hey. Hey Danny. Make your fists glow while you strip."

    ironfistdanny:

    but-im-sure-wade-didnt-want-a-punch-to-the-face

    You’d be incorrect.

    3
    15 hours ago reblog
  • hplyrikz:

I can relate to this

    hplyrikz:

    I can relate to this

    5905
    15 hours ago reblog
  • gunsandscales:


Sexy enough for you?

" Looks like a cover to an album, Wade. " She almost wanted to rip her eyes out. Almost. 

"Well you’ll have to ask nicely if you want to cover any of my songs."

    gunsandscales:

    Sexy enough for you?

    " Looks like a cover to an album, Wade. " She almost wanted to rip her eyes out. Almost

    "Well you’ll have to ask nicely if you want to cover any of my songs."

    6
    16 hours ago reblog
  • popsecretlabs:

While there were many space-set films before, no movie showed people on the moon until 1967. Film Fact or Fiction?

FICTION
There is a much older movie (I forget the title) that has the characters going to the moon. As I recall, the moon had a face and the ship crashed right in its eye. 
The film was renowned for it’s amazing (for it’s time) special effects and I believe many of the tricks used really innovated the film industry and some may still be in use today. 
But I forget the details.

    popsecretlabs:

    While there were many space-set films before, no movie showed people on the moon until 1967. 

    Film Fact or Fiction?

    FICTION

    There is a much older movie (I forget the title) that has the characters going to the moon. As I recall, the moon had a face and the ship crashed right in its eye. 

    The film was renowned for it’s amazing (for it’s time) special effects and I believe many of the tricks used really innovated the film industry and some may still be in use today. 

    But I forget the details.

    374
    16 hours ago reblog
  • betteroffdeadpool Mouthed at the Merc:

    gunsandscales:

    betteroffdeadpool:

    gunsandscales:

    Read More

    "Well… I guess that if that’s what you’re into, I guess I can slap you once or twice? I mean, if you like it and I know you can heal…"

    " I — no, but thank you very much for the suggestion. It was much appreciated. "

    "Oh thank go-I mean, whatever you’re happy with. I’m pretty easy going."

    4
    16 hours ago reblog
  • tickatocka:

    some fun sex tropes:

    • laughing during sex
    • and/or things going wrong during sex that leads to laughter
    • sex on a countertop/tabletop/sink because we couldn’t wait to get somewhere with cushions
    • kissing to stay quiet
    • biting to stay quiet
    • one person meticulously doing something entirely for the other’s benefit without expectation or need of reciprocation
    • "wow i did not know that was A Thing for me until right now and i’m totally fine with that but for the love of god keep doing it"
    • someone straddling the other while they’re “trying to read” and slowly getting them to put the book away
    • "you’re only allowed to sit there and watch until i tell you otherwise"
    • kissing anywhere but the lips
    • alternatively, touching anywhere but where the person desperately wants to be touched
    • "we couldn’t find a condom so we’re getting each other off in other ways" sex
    • anything involving the secretive brushing of fingertips against inner thighs in public spaces
    • sex with clothes half on/panties still on
    • the pleasant misuse of ties
    • sleepy morning kisses that accidentally turn intense
    1292
    16 hours ago reblog
  • betteroffdeadpool Mouthed at the Merc:

    A mockingbird would be an easy choice, but it'd also be a cliche cop out. I considered owls because they're wise and they're even birds, but I didn't feel it. Silly aviary kitties... I'll go with a mouse. They are the smartest animal on earth and closely associated with science.

    agentmorse:

    betteroffdeadpool:

    agentmorse:

    betteroffdeadpool

    "You’re an ass."

    "Do you have an ear on your back? Can I see it? Can I kiss it touch it?”

    "You’ve seen and kissed my back many times, Wade. Did you ever see an ear?”

    "I’ve never seen a foot with a nose, but a lot of them smell. I figured this might be the same thing. I happen to think that mice are cute by the way."

    11
    16 hours ago reblog
  • "How the hell is Daredevil reading these texts?"

    "How the hell is Daredevil reading these texts?"

    1035
    16 hours ago reblog
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  • adxptable Mouthed at the Merc:

    Wolverine and Spider-Man

    Send me two names and my character will react to accidentally walking in on those two in bed with each other.

    Well this was a surprise. He couldn’t imagine anyone would ever want to be that close to Logan. Luckily for him and Spidy, Wade is a master at breaking up tense moments.

    "O M G, you guys are so cute together! Come here, let me take a selfy with you guys, this needs to be in the scrapbooks! Say cheese everyone! And put away those claws."

    2
    17 hours ago reblog
  • Just for the record, I think that Wade’s patronus would be either a wolf or a chameleon.

    When he was in Japan Wade’s nickname was The Wolf of Rice Wine, and his stay there was one of the happiest times in his life and the first time he felt like he had family.

    Chameleon because Wade has gotten plastic surgery in his life multiple times before he had is healing factor. Also, the first person he ever loved could change her appearance. 

    2
    17 hours ago reblog
  • jamisings Mouthed at the Merc:

    Your patronus is obviously fellow Canadian Colin Mochrie doing his famous raptor impression.

    "Hmm… I see no flaw in your thinking."

    5
    17 hours ago reblog